This Is How You Make Friends

Harry Potter, C.S. Lewis and how to make Friends

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Jan 23, 2025

Have you ever moved to a new town or started a new job and found yourself feeling isolated, lonely, or unable to connect with anyone on a deeper level? Put more simply: Have you ever suffered a shortage of friends?

Whereas some of us (myself) struggle to make friends, others are really good at making them. Their interest in other people draws potential friends close like a magnetic force. Sometimes these individuals are accused of “collecting” friends or having superficial relationships at best, but it is at least admirable that they’re able to be well-liked by so many people

If you’re bad at fostering friendships, it’s okay. You’re not alone. C.S. Lewis, author of the beloved Narnia books, has an entire book called The Four Loves dedicated to explaining Friendship and even how to grow your inner circle:

“That is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends.”

Lewis is saying here that we should focus on our mission and our values first and foremost. In pursuing something meaningful, friends will naturally present themselves as fellow travelers who “see the same truth” as you do.

How Friendship Happens

Think about it. The best friends in our lives are so often the kid next to us in class who also had issues with the same school bully, or who also found the teacher’s mannerisms to be hilarious. You laugh together and realize there is someone else in the room who sees things the way you see them. Lewis says that Friendship is born when one person says about another, “You too?”

I hope you’ve had this kind of moment and connection with another person. They’re priceless.

If you meet a person and they don’t see beauty or truth in the way you do, there is…

“nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about

A great example of this idea in action can be seen in the Harry Potter series. The friendship between Harry, Ron, and Hermione is a central theme throughout the books, and it's a powerful illustration of how friendships mature and deepen over time. At the beginning of the series, the three main characters are drawn together by chance on the train to Hogwarts, but the bond deepens when Harry and Ron help save Hermoine from a troll loose in the school.

The three kids all see in each other a shared appreciation for personal loyalty, rather than blind group loyalty to the houses of Hogwarts.

Earlier in Philosopher’s Stone, Harry very clearly chooses Ron as a friend over the likes of Draco Malfoy, whose arrogance and cruelty he can sense from his time being raised by a wicked Aunt and Uncle, the Dursleys. Ron and Harry see in each other the “forgotten child”. Harry was ignored his entire life, and Ron (though he was beloved) was just one of many rambunctious kids in the Weasley home. Basically, “little brother” or “middle child” syndrome. If you know, you know.

And we learn pretty quickly what Draco Malfoy is all about. He’s spoiled, entitled, and motivated by his so-called “pure blood”. He fits right into Slytherin where the values of ambition, competition, and cunning are held up above all else.

True Friendship Must Be Of Limited Supply

The Houses of Hogwarts are interesting because obviously, the school wants to foster camaraderie among wizards, but sorting students based on their personality type and values leaves you with Houses bound to have conflict and strong cliques.

But true Friendship has to be discriminatory. C.S. Lewis noted:

“To say ‘these are my friends’ implies ‘those are not’”.

You’ve probably heard it said a million times by parents and mentors that “You are who you hang out with” and for better or worse, most of us learn that this is true as we get older.

Friendship, he says, withdraws people from collective “togetherness” and often in twos or threes. This makes Friendship a threat to collectivist ideologies, authoritarians, and leaders who would prefer a world where…

“all are companions but none are friends”.

J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter communicates this idea perfectly in the virtuous rebellion of Harry, Ron, and Hermoine throughout the series. Dumbledore saw the value in it because he knew dark authoritarian times were coming; the herd mentality is exactly what they’d less of in order to defeat Voldemort and his movement.

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What happens in the Order of the Phoenix perfectly models why this is important. Life at Hogwarts takes a dark turn with the arrival of Professor Umbridge, who imposes strict rules and harsh punishments on the students…The Blood Quill punishment, Muggle-Born Registration, banning Defense Against the Dark Arts, banning the Quibbler magazine, and humiliating Professor Trelawney. No great surprise, she is secretly connected to the Death Eaters, a group of wizards and witches who are sworn to serve Voldemort and carry out his will.

Instead of breaking apart, Harry and his friends pull closer together to save Hogwarts and protect the most vulnerable in the school. That’s part of what underpins Ron, Harry, and Hermoine’s Friendship.

When the kids form Dumbledore's Army, Harry can pass on his knowledge of self-defense to all the other students willing to stand up to Professor Umbridge’s oppressive rule. This major act of defiance and solidarity is a practical example of how friends can come together to support and protect each other.

We can only protect and advance our values if we make them known like the Bat Signal going up into the sky.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are just one of many powerful examples in great stories about how Friendship can light up the world for the better. These bonds are a natural outgrowth of living a life of purpose and meaning as you see it. And rest assured, not-so-good people will also find their way to kindred spirits.

Not Necessary, But Fruitful

Birds of a feather do flock together, including bad ones.

For villains, this is why their “Friendships” are so frail and present more like alliances. C.S. Lewis begins his analysis of Friendship by pointing out its lack of necessity. We don’t need it to survive, or reproduce and it’s not a biological instinct. Bad Guys are always Darwinian and cutthroat. They view people as tools and throw them away when they’re no longer useful.

A friend is an ally, but an ally is not always a friend.

Voldemort kills Severus Snape because he believes it will make him the true master of the Elder Wand. In The Goblet of Fire, Voldemort mutilates his follower Peter Pettigrew (Wormtail) by giving him a silver hand. He also freely uses the resources of his followers, such as Malfoys, with little care for their safety. People as pawns.

Friendship is, of course, something different. It’s not strategic, it’s generous. It’s not proud, it is humble and kind. Friendship as one of C.S. Lewis’s Four Loves is both sacrificial and grateful.

“A Friend sees that they (their friends) are splendid and counts himself lucky to be among them”

If you are a Friend, go and be a Friend. If you are in search of Friends, show the world what you’re about. Someone, in God’s good time, will notice.

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