Fear and its death grip
Star Wars, panic attacks and finding hope
Sorry for the radio silence this past week or two. I have a confession to make. I’ve been afraid lately. Like really afraid. Of doing anything. Podcasting. Writing. Emailing. Getting out of bed. The other week I was working on my forthcoming book (How The Force Can Fix The World…due to the publisher in May) and I was literally in the midst of writing the chapter on “Fear” when that afternoon, after waking at 4 AM to write until work starts at 9 AM, I sort of broke down. I had that feeling of the walls closing in around me, of my personal space dissolving, and the size of the quest before me suddenly looking impossibly large. Maybe that’s how some of the Rebel pilots felt when they emerged from the atmosphere of Yavin IV and laid eyes on this Death Star they’d heard so much about. “Look at the size of that thing"!”….Indeed.
I turned in for bed a few hours early. Even my daughter was still awake, probably wondering what the heck was wrong with Daddy. From there I think I just laid in bed somewhere between tears and a panic attack, and I couldn’t pin down why.
That morning when I was writing, I had broken ground on a section of the chapter about Anakin’s meeting with Yoda, where he shared with him the gravity of his nightmares and asked for advice. As we all know, Yoda pointed him toward the idea of dispensing with attachment.
“The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.”
Funny enough, I had just completed a podcast the day before by conservative author and public speaker Arthur Brooks, whose spoken a great deal about his appreciation for Buddhism and some of his meetings with Tibetan Monks including the Dalai Lama. On his podcast, “The Art of Happiness,” Brooks described asking one of the monks how to better understand bad feelings, such as anger, fear or disgust. He recalled the response being, “you see them as a signal that you have an attachment that you need to address.”
So why were the walls closing in around me. Well, fear can take all sorts of shapes. Often it’s difficult to tell the difference between reasonable fear (the kind that lends to self-preservation) and the kind that is stalking you and merely feeding on your insecurities for sport.
Yoda said something else to Anakin in the novelization of Revenge of the Sith that wasn’t depicted in the film. He says to Anakin, “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Isn’t that the truth? I read once from mindfulness coach, Elisa Boxer, that when working on mindfulness with her students she asks them to acknowledge fear whenever it washes over them. The idea is to name it (just like Yoda says to). If Anakin had tried to name his fear, it’s possible his own selfishness could have been revealed to him. His fear wasn’t harm befalling Padme or his unborn children, it was just that things were outside of his almighty control.
At the time I’m writing this, I’m stepping away from full-time salaried work for the first time in my professional life to start an LLC, under which I’ll be doing a bunch of semi-boring consulting, writing this Star Wars book, and hosting a YouTube/TV show (more on that soon).
Laying there in bed, breathing at a rate I’m uncomfortable with, naming my fear was quite easy. I’m afraid of failing — of disappointing my wife and daughter — and of the shame I’d feel if this venture didn’t work out. So what about attachment? I started with that after all.
In some ways, my attachment in this situation was my self-image. My pride. The idea of me as a provider, ladder climber, and bringer of stability for my family. We’ve really struggled since our unplanned start as a family unit at the age of 20. But we’re making it. And I feel daily like I’m about to light all of our progress on fire. The way I felt that night in bed, I don’t want to feel like that again. But it’s likely unavoidable. What I can change though is how I receive those waves of ugly feelings when they come, and how I process that fear.
When you can name your fear and recognize where an attachment of some kind is clouding your vision, you can unlock a superpower….the kind of power Leia has throughout Star Wars. It’s the power to turn fear into hope. I have hope. But more on this, next time.
It’s me, Stephen Kent! I’m the curator of Politicize Me, host of the Beltway Banthas Podcast forthcoming author of ‘How The Force Can Fix The World’ (Hachette-Center Street). You can follow me on Twitter @Stephen_Kent89.
Thank you for your openess about this. My wife and I are in the midst of pulling the same trigger, w2s to LLC. It can be terrifying at times but I find it helps to remember that your pursuit is greater than what you are leaving and you can have faith in yourself.